A gift from Heaven.

Now that I have a boy on my own, I can relate to what other mothers feel when they lost a child. I read many heart wrenching stories on the internet and blogs on this child-lost tragedy. It's quite acceptable for me as a mother to lost the most precious gift due to some chronic disease such as what happenned recently that was viral on instagram.

It's not that easy to let go a child that we carried inside us for months, but instead of watching him/ her struggling with wires and needles daily to live, as for me I am more redha to let the child go. At least there's no more unbearable pain as he/ she now is at better place.

What I can't really get to grasp is when losing a child due to tragic accident or unexpected reason. Take this, one second the child is giggling in our arms the next, he/ she is in our arms; breathless. Those kinds of tragedy happened really makes me cries when reading the story from the mothers.

What if it happens to me? What is my son doing right now at the nanny? What a little time did I spend with my son a day that I will be regret later when I loose him? Should I just leave my work behind and being a SAHM that I can watch my kids on my own. Too may questions liggering inside my head.

Allahuakbar. He is the one who plans everything. And there should be lessons for us for any tragedy happens. Don't we realize that the more tests we get the more closer we become to Him. That can be just a reminder or a bell for us to return back to where we belong; to Him.

This gift from Allah is not forever. All of us belong to him. Anytime we are destined to go then that's it. I don't know how long my son or even my own life is given to me in this world, whatever it is let's just keep our faith strong and stronger because mati itu pasti.

For what I have now, my son and my little blessed family, I am more than grateful to you Allah. What ever tests that we endure right now and coming soon, let's not say Why me? Let's say Try me.

Salam and greetings.

The recall.

It's been so long I dont quite remember the last time I write. The only thing that I write dutifully now is my lesson plan for work. Even those, im lacking few weeks I must say.

This is not good. My writing is becoming worsen.

My life has been so monotonous with not so much to write about. Im having the same routine each week and time passed by so fast it's already reaching mids of 2014.

My not so little boy has getting heavier instead the fact that he is not a fan of rice, noodles etc (he lives with biscuits! ), few more words to pronounce and 'mummy' is not yet on the list. Boooooo -____-.

Sometimes when I carry him I feel like he is getting taller than me in any minute. He is such a doll most of the time and I wish he will stay like that for a long time.

I think I will write frequently after this. Just hang on there because I think im back. 

Salam and greetings.

1. 

Coxsackie virus on Muizz.

Last sunday night, Muizz temp was suddenly high. I was a bit suspicious why suddenly he got the fever, then i remembered we brought him out that evening and it was light raining at that time. Perhaps demam sebab kena hujan. He woke us that night crying outloud and once again i gave him the fever syrup. His body was feverish.

The next morning, Maktok (the babysitter) realized some red rashes behind his neck when i dropped him at her place. I dont realize about it pun, nampak sangat mummy tak aware. Dussh! Then, she said that was maybe an early symptom of chicken pox or campak.

At 10 am i went to Maktok's house to send to fever syrup that i forgot to bring in the morning and realised the rashes was severe than before. Then i started to get panic. Ive never have chicken pox before and thus i was worried i'll get it if my baby is diagnosed with it.

After picking him up in the evening we went straight to the paed for check-up. The doctor said it was not chicken pox (pheww..) but it is HFMD- Penyakit kaki tangan dan mulut.

Then i remembered last month, my neighbour advised me not to bring Muizz out that much because the Coxsackie virus is attacking the kids around my area. But, its month away and now my son have it. I dont know where my son got the virus because usually those who stays in nursery which have other children will easily get it. But my son stays alone at maktok. Perhaps the virus goes through the air too.

Then i went home and googled. This is where you can read about it. Here and here. 

Apparently its not serious. But, what i concern most is it gives severe ulcers in the mouth and throat which makes difficult to swallow.

It was the first night last night and Muizz woke up two times for 2 hours to cry. I realized he was hungry, but he refused to drink his milk. He kept on crying and crying perhaps due to the sore throat. I tried to feed him through straw and he did drink a few but that's it. At 3 am, my husband went to the kitchen to take a bun bread and feed him. He was so hungry i realised that he ate half of the bun. Pity my boy. 

He was unable to control his saliva and it kept running out from his mouth. Last night, he finally slept in his cries, exhausted of crying, although he was hungry. ;(

This was yesterday, hoping that it will get better today. Its so sad to watch him uncomfortable of himself and i am in the helpless position to help him. We can do this together baby.

My babies and baju raya.

This year will be a more joyous Eid for my little family. My boy is now happily cruising with his two foot, exploring every inch of the house. What makes me curious is he loves to slip himself in a tiny narrow place such as between tv cabinet and the wall or behind our bed in the room. Obviously he can't fit into that space, he will struggle hard to fit into and will always cry if he can't. Phew.. I dont understand why...

He don't crawl at all nowadays. In fact he wouldn't stop walking and walking and walking which makes me wonder, does he fell tired at all? He don't apparently. He only stops walking when he sleeps. And only during that 1 - 2 hours i can do my work at home and in the kitchen. Without any disturbance.

From my readings, i get to know that baby grasps information like sponge. So basically since he was a small baby i introduce and talk to him about many different words- things that we do and things that he can see. Now he seems to understand few directions and sentences that i always utter to him for example ; sit down, let me help you, good bye, give me a kiss, drink some water, do you want shushu?, cookies, book, ball, stand up and walk, lets wash, lets change, lets go, let me feed you, give mummy, clap.

Since he loves listening to the song 'Hello', he knows that waving means hello which sometimes i think he got confused with goodbye. Hmmp. Its okay baby, you will learn it later on.

And now we are familiarizing him with 'Amin' which is shake hands. You know its very important since the eid is coming soon and he needs to master that so uncles and unties will give him green envelope. hehe.

We have bought baju raya for him and the husband too. The same pattern and colours. We bought them when we were hometown back in June- hoping that it will still fit Muizz by the time we got back for raya.

We got it from the boutique above. 

Actually they have family collection. But after trying the kurung i don't think its worth the price. Therefore, i decided to not buy any baju raya for me this year and just wear what i already have. My husband was so shocked listening to that because he knows how much i love shopping hehehe. 

For this upcoming raya i have no new baju raya but basically i have sewn quite a number of kurungs for me this year around, so i will just wear that at home since nobody at home has ever seen me in it. It will be new baju too. ;)

Of being grateful to the One.

ive been so sensitive these days to hear grave stories about mothers who lost their child since i am a mummy myself. Their stories are just so close to me as i can imagine what actually they are facing everyday, in fact every second of their life.

For once, we are able to kiss and cuddle, hug and touch our baby but in a blink he's gone. Untouchable. Unreachable. There are times in my working hours that i felt so alone that i miss my baby so much. Feel like going to the babysitter's house, hug him and smoodge smooge him then back to school. But in my case, he is reachable. How about the mothers out there who lost their child unexpectedly, what i imagine is half of the soul is gone too.

I cried my heart out reading this story . Thought i should forward it here. As a guidance. As a reminder that anything can happen as He wants it. He lends something to us, but in no time He can get it back. 

For the last 13 months in my beautiful life, i cant never thank You enough Ya Allah. Please guide me and my family to the right path as You've been showering us with so much love i cant never thank for.

Alhamdulillah. 

My baby is growing.

Its been a year of ups and downs for me as a mum. Staying on our own without any family members close by does help to teach me a real meaning of parenthood. im basically dealing with parenthood problem on my own. i mean with the help of my husband. The experiences, memories, they are all good that i cant never describe it.

My baby is now 13 months. In a blink! Yes, thats what i felt. He grows up from a helpless just lying on the bed baby to now a walking baby. He now learns that walking frees his hands from mummy and for that reason it also drives me crazy. There's never a second that i fear he may fall over, bump his head on the floor or any angle of the home furniture etc etc but at the same time i realize i have to give him full chance for him to discover.   

He is such a clingy and sensitive baby. He cries when i raise my voice (for whatever reason pun), he refused to be with anyone else except for mummy, abi and maktok. Maktok is his babysitter and i think he has associated maktok as his grandmother. i brought him to school almost every morning since he was 3 months old, but until now refuses to be carried by any of my friends. He only wants mummy. When we went back hometown last June for two weeks, he cried almost everyday because my family members (strangers for him) tried to carry him or even touch him. Muizz was untouchable. 

He slept with me every night, cuddling me like im his teddybear, sometimes he climbs on me to sleep. Yes, giving no chance at all to abi ha ha. Thus, no new babies in the recent year i guess. :p

Happy 13th months Muizz Abyan. Mummy and abi love you to the moon and back!

Away.

i had to go for a three days two nights course last week in Subang. If you are a mother, living on your own without any family members around, you will know how i felt the first time i heard the news. At that time, Muizz was the only vital person that i can think of.

After so much discussion with the husband, i decided to go for the course. My husband's school has limited phone connection, so we were basically texting each other to discuss. I have to decide in quick, because apparently i will board the flight the next day and the office needs to book the flight tics for me. I was overwhelm at that time- of leaving Muizz with strangers or go on with the task assigned.

The whole time i was texting with my husband, his only concern was only Muizz. Ive never been apart from him since he was born. He slept with me and only me since then. Can he sleep with other people- since i realizes that my husband was not confident to take care of Muizz on his own.

I called the babysitter and expectedly, she said 'Okay!'. Then im relieved.

What i was expecting from my husband as we were texting was ' Can someone else replace me?'. But he never asked that question. Perhaps he knew how excited i was to get to go for a course because im never been in one since ive started working. He is so understanding that im so glad that i have him as my husband. 

Then off i went for the course. And on that first day, i kept calling and texting the babysitter to ask about Muizz well-being till i reckoned she was rimas with me. Haha. But she is a good girl i tell you because of her patience to deal with a freak-out-left her son with stranger- for 3 days mummy.

 Before i left him for 3 days.

In short, the 3 days im away was in a way a good thing for both of us. Muizz was behaving well the whole time im not with him. Sleeping at night also was not a problem. From that i realized that my boy perhaps someone who can adjust with surrounding. He knew that mummy was not around, so he bevahed like an angle.

As for me, i got 2 nights off without disturbance from little hands as well as big hands (haha), but sadly, i wasn't sleeping so well either. I kept waking up those 2 nights, thinking how my baby is doing.  And once i touched down in KK, the only things im eager to is meeting my baby boy.

Im glad that we both survived this separation in a good way.

What a good surprise to meet a familiar face in that course and surprise or not, we were roomate!!!

Milestones.

Browsing through the photos of Muizz, makes me realize that he is growing so fast. In another week, he will be 9 months! And by now, i realize he can do many things which im really amazed of. He is like a small human but trying to be a big boy he is not. 

Some random things that he loves to do nowadays;-

• Loves loves his bath time. Cant see mummy open the toilet door he will get agitated. Padahal im just performing my ablutions for prayers. And once he is inside the toilet, mandi, bringing him out from the bathroom is a HUGE challenge. He will scream his lungs out that sometimes me and husband have to let him in the bathroom for another minutes.
• When he sees something that he can grab to stand on his two feet, he will. Eventhough its only a piece of towel hanging from a hanger. -_____-
• He understands feelings i guess. He knows when i raise my voice to him that means 'Mummy is angry'. haha. Then he will cry.
• Cant let his eyes out of mummy. If im around in the house.
• Loves listening to azan. and the TV3 music tagline. 
• Suka cubit and bite especially when he kinds of bored at home.
• Cant see mummy wears tudung, because he knows that means mummy is going somewhere- leaving him. Then he will cry.
• He shook, banged, threw and put in his mouth the remote control at home. We have to buy the new one after they are all broken.

Those are what i can recall for now. Having to go through all of these with only me and my husband with him, im so proud of myself and praying every single day that we will be able to wade through any obstacles as we only have each other to hang on to. 

He was so bored in the car that he tried to bite me with his two teeth. Haha.

Muizz's baby sitter.

Its 2013!

Seems like its another year we'll stay in Sabah and if you ask me what is my resolution this year my answer will be " I hope 2013 will be the last here".

When i knew last year that our transfer applications have been rejected (yet again), i was able to soothe myself because im lucky to have my family here with me- the husband and my son. I have friends at school who were also failed to get the transfer, their husbands and kids are away in peninsular. That's really stress i know. I can't imagine my life without my husband and Muizz.

Im also very lucky to have a lovely and motherly babysitter for Muizz. She's a wife for one of the teachers and a Kelantanese. Furthermore, she loves Muizz so much and i can see that. We always have a good chat everytime i dropped and fetched Muizz at her house. I feel very easy with her. She's like a family that i don't have here.

Now comes a new year, her husband got transferred to Port Dickson! He just got the confirmation yesterday, as in 2 jan.

My heart dropped as i heard the news. Im not yet ready for this. Ive been doing some thinking over this matter because his wife told me that the husband applied for transfer and they also do the rayuan. What if, what if... But im not really worried since pertukaran in BPTV is kind of dibekukan.

But he got the transfer and i'll be left nanny-less in weeks time. At the taman that i live we have a nursery. Im praying hard they will still have one place for Muizz. Im so concern how will Muizz reacts at the new place with new surrounding and strangers. They have many babies and toddlers to cater on. Having said that, how will their attention will be for Muizz. He's such a clingy and crying baby that im worried how will the pengasuh handle my son when he cries.  He's now 6 months and he already recognizes people. He cries really loud with people he doesn't recognize. This happened many times at MIL house recently.

What if there's no more places at the nursery? Where will i send Muizz i have no idea at all.

Im so crashed.

I know Allah give me this challenge for me to stand on my own, find the best solution and remember Allah can make anything happen just as He wants it. Kun fayakun right. And for me, La Tahzan as Allah with people who have patience. Ya Allah please ease my way and pray hard Muizz will behave like a good boy whereever he will be sent to later on. Amin.

Posing.

When he tried his best to piss me off. Good job boy. -____-

Milestones.

Finally on his own. Good job baby. I know it's little bit late but you've done it. 

We are so proud of you.

Muizz will be 5 months in another 3 weeks. Since he reached 3 months, we've been waiting for him to roll over on his own. He has no problem lying on his tummy when we put him- he will fly happily. However, he's not doing it own his own.

Being newbies in parenting, this somehow worries me. Call mak and she said he's supposed to be already. That, worries me more. But i calm myself by saying Muizz is quite big in size, so perhaps its a bit heavy for him to roll over his own body. 

And it happened last saturday evening after i bath him. I was super-excited that i made him do over and over  again.

Hehe. Poor my little boy kene buli ngan mummy.

Favourite spot.

He can sit on me like this all-day-long. 

My clingy little boy.

Mmm sedap nya drumstick mummy.

:p

Moments.

Instagram, Photobook and whatnot are popular nowadays to share moments. Im not an Iphone user or Blackberry user. Husband is sweet-talking me asking me to take his Iphone so that he can buy the new Iphone 5 that is coming soon. My answer is no. Im just so comfortable using my nokia phone. 

And i have no problem of sharing wonderful moments even with my so-lame-outdated phone. Im wishing so hard that the phone will not broke down because its difficult to find that kind of phone these days. Semua pun touch screen and i dont like touch screen; susah mau texting while driving. lol.

Here im sharing some recent photos on my phone. 

Last week we celebrated husband's birthday with this surprised cake. He loved it but mummy loves it more. I have 3 big slices. Oh my. The best oreo cheesecake ever. Ever!!! Ordered from one of the teachers at school. Her choc moist is better. Have never had the choc moist that 'moist' like she did before. Hers the best lah.

 Sleeping like a big-boss, after having 3 big slices of oreo cheesecake that night. hehe.

 Halfway halfway- hehe. Shaving my boy's hair on friday. My school was on holiday last friday after sports day the day before. Completed after 2 sessions.

 Almost there sayang- a few minutes before being in lalaland. ;)

 Clapping your hands while shaking booties in front of him and singing twinkle twinkle little stars; the result is wide smile and finally big laugh. I love him!!

Happy 4 months old big boy. Mummy and abi love you lots lots lots. 

Now you know the famous model of my phone and camera these days. Too cute. Geram!

The worries that now gone.

Why we worry so much about bringing Muizz jalan-jalan is because he sleeps in the cradle. When he was born, i set in mind that i will Not put him in the cradle to sleep. However, Muizz was a cranky little baby and put him into sleep was the most challenging part. He will only sleep in the cradle and only after he cried his lungs out.

There was once he cried non-stop for almost 2 hours. At that time i was alone at home, all the family members went to terawikh. Just imagine how stressed i was that time. This situation happened not only once!

Once we moved here, he became calmer. And nowadays we trained him to sleep lying down on the mattress. After i fed him, tepuk-tepuk and lying with him while watching tv, he will fall asleep. It was easy. Perhaps because it was really quiet at the home. He also do he same at the babysitter's house. The nanny said he will doze off on the mattress after he's fully fed.

 Inside the cradle. He was having high fever at this time.

On the mattress.

When i told my mum about this, she was really surprised. Alhamdulillah, his change is for the better. Well, babies are brilliantly clever you know. You just have to train him and he will be like what you want him to be.   Mummy prays that Muizz will grow up to be a good and soleh son. Mummy loves you so much son!

An invention that I swear all mothers should have.

The thing that i fear most after i have my baby was, what will happen during blackout. We did experience this once last month and it freak the hell of me. Muizz was sleeping in his cradle at that time. To make it worst, he was having high fever that time. Luckily he didnt wake up. And after a while i can feel the heat. I know my baby will feel it too. 

Then i remember the mini clip-on fan that havent been used since i bought it. Now it comes handy. Husband put the batteries inside and we clip on the cradle clothe and my baby slept all the way through the night.

Furthermore, it's very cheap. The price is less than 20 bucks and you can get cheaper price at other store like here. 

Human are just brilliant! I love human invention like this. 

And now what, blackout again? Worry not.

 ;)

Saturday.

Last saturday was our first formal outing with Muizz. We were so worried about bringing Muizz jalan-jalan and we were even considering to leave him with the nanny on the weekend. Tapi sampai bila kan. So, we planned to train him and took the risks bringing him to kk. It went on smoothly during the journey since he slept all the way in the car. Remember the pricey yet comfortable carseat that we bought him?

 After hour and half journey, we reached the first destination. Mothercare and Kids Avenue at Harbour City. This is actually the main reason we went to kk. I need to get few pillows and feeding stuff for Muizz.

He woke up as we parked the car. ;). The next destination is 1B. Mummy needs to do some shopping! Otw to 1B, we were surprised to see many cars lined up going to the same direction. Oh my, why so jammed? Then, i saw this banner.

I got so excited!!! This was the first time the expo was held in Sabah. Before this i've read in many blogs and fb about the excitement of parents, how cheap the stuff are, the varieties you can choose etc. I cant contain my excitement. As we get close to 1B, we can see that cars are parked on the other side of the road and more cars are queuing to enter the carpark area. People are spilling from every direction. Why so many people ni?? It's been long that we didnt go to kk and this made me feel really worried about Muizz. What will happen inside there. With that amount of people, the situation must be crowded and noisy. Hmm.

After parking, we went inside; husband pushing Muizz in the stroller.

This is the first time we used the stroller, fully. The last time was at the airport otw back to Sabah which was month ago. And the experience was not good since Muizz cried everytime we put him inside. This time, he behaved well. Alhamdulillah. Mummy able to do shopping yeay! He was a little bit cranky for a while that husband has to dukung him. Tapi tak lama. 

Then we off for lunch at Chicken Rice Shop. Lama dah teringin!

 Alhamdulillah. The next stop is the expo.

Dynas, the celebrity was talking at the stage, sharing her experience of being a mother. As we walked inside, we can see that there were still many people.

In less than 10 minutes, we finished walking around the area. So, what did i get? Frustration yes. It didnt come up as what i expected to be. Perhaps, this was the first time. The only booth they got were Anmum, Jacobs (i think), Dynas booth, Breasfeeding peer and booth about kids' education and few more i didnt really bother. Hmmm. Penat je excited lebih. So we left there empty handed. 

Muizz was already dozing off this time. We were amaze on how good he behaved and he also slept well, didnt cry at all.

Our worries are now gone and yeay we can now bring Muizz jalan-jalan. Most importantly is to bring the stroller along and he will sleep soundly. We made the right decision of buying the stroller. Double happy. Muizz happy, mummy worries zero.  

First weekend.

No more sleeping in. Itu yang paling ketara.

Everyday for the past week, i woke up very early in the morning. 5 am. And by 6.30 am, Muizz was already buckled up in the car, im fully prepared for school ready to send muizz to his nanny's house. By the time i punched card, it was only 6.45-ish. School here started at 7 btw. It was a good change indeed.

Before, i was always late. To school. My card was always marked red with ink. Those who knew me, would know that im NOT a morning person. i woke up late and always difficult to wake up early. I frequently missed morning classes when i was in Wellington those days. Now i regret it Uhuh.

My daily schedule now follows muizz's. Since last week, he will wake up at 5-ish, sometimes before 5 am and refused to sleep. Perhaps dah puas tido since he sleeps at 6 pm the night before. So, he will wake me up, i feed him, change his sleeping position, let him on the bed and i started to get ready myself. It was a smooth routine. I like this new routine hoping that i will be able to sleep in during weekend.

Nah. im totally wrong. The routine is just similar. Once he woke up at 5 am, dah takde harapan for me to sleep. We have 3 days weekend this week and i can say, by maghrib, im exhausted!

Yesterday, i took a short nap in the evening, letting husband to take care of muizz because i just cant take it. Mata sangat berat. And husband said i snored! In fact, he said i've been snoring for 2 nights the night before. Owh my. Taking care of small baby is tiring. Especially when you do it alone.  

Im still in the process of recovering from the breast infection. The hole is now recovering. The next appointment is coming tuesday. Im so lucky that i dont need to do surgery to clean the abscess hole because no more swelling and the cut is almost dry. But now i have a very bad cough. My voice is now huskier that the husband's. Throat sangat sakit and each time i cough, i fear it may go to muizz. Ya Allah, tolong jauhkan virus batuk ini dari anak ku.

Photos of muizz during weekend.

Now wearing 6M romper. He will only be 3M next week.

Now plus 1.

Now that we are back in Beaufort, things have changed. Sometimes i need to pinch myself and realize that i've now got a bigger responsibility. Im now a mother!

I've been a mummy since June. But staying at home with mak and my sisters made the burden lesser that sometimes i forgot that i have a baby to cater for. Haha. Now that i live alone with husband, everything is juggling between us. We must do everything on our own. When he awakes or sleeps or cries or whatever he feels like doing, everything is on US. 

Muizz has been a very good boy since we came here. At first, everyone was worried especially mak, because muizz was a cranky little boy before. He cried a lot; to sleep, when he's hungry and usually without no apparent reason, he will cry very loud and lama. It was scary you know. But, Alhamdulillah he's now a bit calmer than before, and easy to sleep.

Our plane ride was quite smooth. What i worried the most is the ear-pressure to him. But alhamdulillah, breastfeedoing him during the take-off and the landing prevented the problems. Muizz was sleeping most of the time in the flight. However, once he opened his mouth, satu kapal boleh dengar his cries. Owh my! Nasib baik menangis tak lama.

We spent half of sunday buying 2 cradles for muizz and a very comfy carseat. My husband and i were relief that muizz settled down really well inside his carseat. The 2 hours journey from Kota Kinabalu was a smooth one. He sleeps all the way in it. Our investment to buy the carseat was worth it. Although it exceeded our budget sangat-sangat. Husband decided to get it because it is a convertible seat which converts from a rear-facing seat for babies and toddlers to a forward-facing seat. It can be used until he's 4 years old.

Budak baru pandai hisap jari to sleep. We kept on making him to change to right hand, tapi tetap suka tangan kiri. 

The carseat is Halford btw. It is adjustable. For babies boleh jatuhkan seat for him to sleep. This position can be used until he's one. When he's bigger, boleh adjust jadi straight to seating position.

It's over.

75 days. 

That's the number of days that i breastfed my first baby. I am really really sad about this. Firstly it was because of my mistakes, my ignorance. Second, because i always love breastfeeding my baby. It makes me feel real close to him.

Everytime he cries, i cry. Harder. This is very difficult for me. Each time i tell people about this i feel like crying. There are times that i secretly feed him that muizz terus tido dengan lena. I feel bless. But i cant continue doing it. 

Im so stressed.

My heart dropped when the doc said that i need to stop breastfeeding to heal the pain that i endured since the last two weeks. It is called as breast abscess. The next phase of engorged breast if it was not healed properly. Once i stepped out from doc room, my tears dropped tak tertahan-tahan- for almost 1 hour.

Mummy minta maaf Muizz. :'(

Engorged breasts.

if your breasts feel hard, swollen, throbbing, lumpy, uncomfortably full, or painful, you are likely engorged. The swelling may extend all the way to your armpit and you may even run a low fever.
From babycenter

Ya Allah. Hanya Tuhan je tahu betapa sakit, berdenyut nyut-nyut. Went to see the doctor sebab tak tahan the pain. Doc said susu dah basi inside. Dan masam. Sebab tu ianya mengeras. It's actually due to cara latching on tak betul. ;(

i read in babycenter and this is the best advice i've got:
Look ahead: You'll get past this engorgement and soon be able to enjoy your breastfeeding relationship with your baby.

One of the challenge to be a breastfeeding  mother.