Alahai bazar Ramadhan.

Alhamdulillah. Ramadhan Kareem datang lagi and im breathing still to grab this opportunity. As for me what excited most during this month, other than the ibadah, rewards and etc, is the bazar ramadhan. I love bazar ramadhan. The food, the smoke, the ambience, people buzzling looking for food, they are just so exciting. 

Bazar ramadhan makes me to be a bit more energetic in the evening after the whole day of fasting. I used to go bazar ramadhan since i was a small kid. Sometimes only to buy one lauk or one type of kuih. But thats worth it.

However, since 2009, my interest for bazar ramadhan dropped off. The reason is there is no exciting of bazar ramadhan in this state. i think i can generalize as that. Ive been living in two different town in two different part of the state. And both places didnt offer good bazar Ramadhan. Jauh sangat kalau nak dibandingkan dengan semenanjung. 

This year is the first time im fasting here. Yesterday, we eagerly went out heading to bazar around our place looking for only one additional lauk. Since ive cooked some at home. We went to 4 bazar and ended up with only a bag of laicikang and isi ketam goreng. Yups so frustrating.

Moral of the story is better cook at home. Owh how i miss bazar ramadhan at home!

We grow as nature wants it.

Today i went out alone- without my husband and my baby or any sister with me. 

I went to bank to make new bank card since i've lost it. Well, even staying at home i manage to lost things. Talking about how careless i am which is just so not me. My husband also pelik with this since im always the one who's able to manage things. Im just human beings sayang.

Otw home i went to Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara to collect muizz's mykid. Sempat lagi singgah di bazar ramadan Kampung Raja, padahal tak puasa pun. lol. 

Driving alone makes me think how i feel just like the old times; single, going out alone, driving in high speed, settling matters that is pertinent to me, without thinking of other people's needs, my baby might cries for feeding or having to rush back home for things that matter. I feel so free that i manage to settle everything in less than 2 hours- of driving from bank to JPN to bazar ramadan with all the traffics, cars stopping in every single gerai di tepi jalan and whatnot.

When i reflect back what had happened to me this few months, i just still cant believe that im now a mother and i have a small baby to cater for. Sometimes i even cant believe that im married! I know it cliche, but how time flies.

Looking back to when i was pregnant, carrying my baby inside me was the longest 9 months in my life- on how my body grew and stretched to be a balloon. Till now i still cant believe that i have the strength to push my baby out of me. The weight, the aches, the labour pain- all of those are far far away from my mind. Macam dah lama berlalu. Everything is so surreal now.

And i smile alone in the car thinking of those experience that taught me the real life.

When i arrive home, my baby is still sleeping fitfully. Just right i change my clothes, he cries. Time for feeding. ;)

Toddles

Down with fever.

Its been 2 days and today i feel worst. My baby got slight flu at first and the bugs finally got its way to me. Now, my head feeling like it's going to burst and pity my baby he cant really sleep well at night due to the blocking nose.

Because of that too, ive got a terrible migraine on the day due to lack of sleep at night.

Get well soon my baby. Mummy miss your cheery side ;)

Husband's flight is tomorrow. I still cant believe that time flies so fast. Its already saturday and his paternity leave will be over tomorrow.

His confirmed next flight home will be for the aidilfitri. I dont know whether i can last that long, missing him.

miserable mood. :'(

Dear you.

This maybe the final letter for you until after you are born.

You have been moving a lot few months back that you sometimes made me difficult to sleep and sometimes woke me up. It's a tingling sensation everytime you move inside me because i know that you are there and Gosh, you are Alive!! haha. When you move and make my belly goes here and there, it always amaze me. How can you live inside there. Subhanallah God's creation. 

This last few weeks, your movement is lesser than before. And knowing that was because you are bigger now and you've grown so much, i feel so blessed. I know that you are there, inside me, doing slight movement from time to time just waiting to be out. 

It doesn't always easy with you sayang. i've been having serious pain and cramp at every corner of my joints and parts these days. When i sit down, it's difficult for me to get up and vice versa. Your unties have to be so patience with me that i've been ordered them to do this and that due to my difficulties to move. When i lay down, it's unbearable to just turn to the left or right.

My feet and hand have been swollen so bad that my marriage ring can only be wore until the nail haha. i've been feeling so numb for both hand and now i have to buy soft ball to do hand exercise. Sometimes i can't even feel my fingers. Sometimes the twinge to my hand is intolerable. I cant even brush my teeth, or hold spoon for more than 10 seconds. It hurts. Really.

And worst of all, every step i take is now killing my heel!!! Arghhh.

But whatever is happening to me now, i know it's for you sayang. And it's all will be over once you are born. Few more weeks to go. Daddy and mummy can't wait to see you and how will look like. ;)

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah segala nya. Amin.

Dating.

Deal sealed. She left her 3 soldiers at home and i left my big boy too. We met here. There's a lot to be talked about. I miss old days with her, and the time.


Forever babe. Forever. Insya-Allah.

A decision has been made and it's final.

I received a letter couple weeks ago directed me to move to Beaufort. It was perhaps an awaited news for certain people but not for me. I knew about it before the letter arrived but seeing that it hasn't arrived when it was supposed to, I guess it will never arrived.

However, I am wrong and the letter got to me with the date of new lapor diri is only 1 week away from the date it arrived.

I cried when I received the letter. It was not the transfer that I wanted. I can't say that I was forced to accept it, but somehow I think I'm forced to. I hate it when people decide on my life, especially a very important decision that can change my entire life. I hate that I was treated like a small child that I have to obey whatever their plan is. It was difficult to explain the whole situation here. What can I say is, I'm not in the position to decline this offer anymore.

By the way, time flies fast and I have another week in Twu before I move for good to Beaufort. The words 'for good' really affect me so much. It bothers me so much that some nights I cried myself to sleep. I really love my life here. And having to know that the transfer that I applied last year was rejected, I have prepared myself to live alone here, at least until June. Having this sudden news affected and shocked me and I really can't accept that my life will drastically change.

I love the way this small town operates. I love the way it has made me grown up. It shapes me the way I am right now. Here is when I spend the most important years in my life. It teaches me how to be an adult, be responsible to myself, independence and stand on my own two feet. Here is where I started my career, my adult life, getting to know the meaning of surviving life, having a home that I love so much although it's rented and buying my own car. Basically, I have everything that I want in this small town. I feel home here.

I can't imagine that this move affected me so much that it's so difficult for me to accept the fact that I'll be leaving this place soon for good. Maybe I'm still in denial. I can't believe that I will leave this place with such a hard feeling.

Although the mix emotions I'm having, the only reason that I look forward for this move is I'll be able to be with the husband. We finally will be able to live together. He will have to travel 70 minutes to and fro to his school and the worst part of this move is I will work office hours which is from 7 to 4. It's not school anymore. It's a college. Huh, how excited that sounds? Nope.

If you know me, you will know that I'm not that good with strangers. It's not easy for me to make new friends. I am not the one who will go say hi to people during parties or get-together. I prefer to stay away from those people and sometimes I hope people will not try to make small talk with me. Weird, I know. Since I came here, this year was the starting year that I'm making friends, I mean real friends. The one that we can talk about anything, we can laugh together and the ones that we don't feel weird to be with in silence.

I am going to be in such difficult time once I move to the new workplace I guess. And having to survive till 4 pm?? Owh my.

This one, is not going to be a smooth transfer for me. It takes time I know. But how long?

...

Rindu. sangat sangat rindu.

bila rindu ynag tidak tercapai dek akal.

sakitnya pun tak tercapai dek akal.

no words can describe how it feels.

rasa kosong. dan sangat sakit.

At terminal 2

Am waiting for the flight now. Reading back 'my sunday' post makes me smile very wide. I got to experience it btw. Except it's not my sunday instead it's my saturday. Waking up with the boyfriend snoozing beside is bliss. Except he was not snoozing but trying hard to kejut me bgn subuh. At 5 am!! Gosh tak pernah saya bangun seawal tu awak oi... :p

Our saturday was spent under the hot and spicy sun. I've got plenty of pictura of our weekend together. Nantilah upload. Mau pergi solat. My flight will fly in another hour.

Serius penat ulang alik begini tau. Uhuk.

It's true.

indeed it's true when you always think about the pain in your life, the pain will control you. you will feel more pain and tend to forget the brighter things (nikmat) that you have.

i think so much sometimes. i always tried to control my thinking to not think of the pain, and only certain times i can forget it. due to that im not able to sleep at night. i shouldn't have thought i know. the sharp pain on the chest, you feel like something clenching your heart, it's very heavy. and i sometimes cried to sleep.

think positive. that's what i always said to myself. jgn bersangka buruk, jgn fikir yang bukan2. ada hikmah di sebalik semua yang berlaku. Allah masih sayang kan aku to bring back to His path because i've been to obsessed with the world matter.

i qoute this from jaime's blog:

"jika seseorang dapat memahami dan menghayati takdir Allah SWT untuknya, maka dia akan merasa sabar dan lapang dada dalam menjalani kesulitan hidup, juga tidak bersedih dan kecewa ketika ditimpa musibah. lebih dari itu dia akan merasakan besarnya kasih sayang Allah SWT kepadanya, juga bergembira dengan pahala besar yang akan diterimanya kelak."

that is exactly what i'm trying to be. sabar dan lapang dada. i maybe stronger today and i know i need a lot more motivations to stay up and awake.

tq so much for jaime. it's such a good and beautiful words you put there. and fyi, aku baca sume entry dalam blog mu since 2010.

and now im enjoying a big bowl of cornflakes and milk in the evening. reminding me of beautiful times whan i was in Nz few years back. ;)

Un-describe-able.

'i've been in love before. it's like a narcotic. at first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. the next day, you want more. you're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. you think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours.'

'but then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. if he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get fix. and just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to for love.'get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love.'

Pilar by Coelho in By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept.

pg. 62.

2nd day.

maybe i am not strong enough.

the feeling is totally different. the situation is basically the same. we have been experiencing this since early of this year, and it seems ok to me. we've used to be apart. but after the status changed it was totally different.

now i know how the people who always fill in the borang tukar feel like. it's really unbearable.

Totally not!!!

Our first test.

:(

Sakit.

i've been feeling like this since i dont know when. Feels like it's been years i've fallen sick.

i'm not ok with this sickness. and i don't know what will cure it and when. everyday i pray to not feel like this anymore. sangat menyakitkan. luar dan dalam.

:'(

...

Mostly these days i wrote when i feel so stress out. Mainly like everyday. i have no mood to work, no mood to finish my job at school and stuff.

I've encountered one incident with the superior last few days. i wrote a very good piece of writing in my book but im not that brave to post it here.

Should i post it?

I AM STRESSED!

Buckle up.

In life, there are times when we feel really weak fragile- powerless to do what we really want in life. Sometimes it is just in front of our eyes. But we still incapable of doing it, of owning it. I know it's impossible to get all the things that we dream of. It's hard i know for us to endure this life. Sometimes.

And there are times that we feel to re-do. I mean the life. Can i stop this life, born again and re-live this life.

Recently i read a book by Paolo Cuelho, Veronica decides to die. It's inspiring. It makes me think on whether have i live my life they way i want to. have i do all the impossible yet illegal things that few people do. Can I? Will i do that?

i always imagine to be the character in the book that i read. They always have ending either sad or not, there is an ending. It is overwhelming to know what kind of life is in front of me; is in the future.

No one knows right?

Buckle up and face it. That's the only way right?

...

A long hiatus.

Lagi banyak yang terbuku di hati dari rasa mahu tulis di sini.

Everthing is fine btw. Will update more later. I really miss writing.

It's been a very hectic week of all.

I've never expected that so many little things we can do in just a week and it's really tiring. The title says it all.

I wish i can go to bed early tonight.

Toodles peeps.

You wanna heard news?

It just that last night i discovered that i have 32 tudungs and 48 selendangs!! OmG. Just calculate how many $$$ have i spent for that? and shockingly i have few which actually the same and i did not realize it? Oh my... Semalam i had to rearrange them because the twin tower of tudung and selendang almost runtuh. Tudung express (the one with awning) is not yet included in the calculation. Bear that in mind. :p

Talking about my work attire which obviously baju kurung or kebaya dan yang sewaktu dengannya; my two doors cupboard is now bursting with them. Oh my... Calculate again how many $$$ i spent for the kain itself and the upah jahit.

Patut lah semakin banyak gaji semakin rasa tidak cukup. ha ha.

Being rational myself, for this year i've only bought and sewn 2 baju kurungs. For 2 months and half this was quite an achievement. Money is now put aside for one and only important matter. I didn't plan it to be this soon, however seeing that it's happening really soon i have to stop myself, my desire from buying and shopping-ing sesuka hati.

I never imagine that this matter is taking a very large sum of money??? Oh my.. tak perlulah berteka-teki lagi. The cat is out of the bag already. I am getting married this year. YEAY YEAY!!!

Calculating the savings and the money in hand now (plus parents' welfare haha no doubt) i think we will manage to make it a success. Our plan is not that grand by the way. This coming month is renewing-car-insurance-month. Talking about car could really 'eat up' your $$$; as you said tasha.

Btw i know deep down that everything is going to be fine.

Fine. Yes. Really fine.

Coretan 2010.

from google images.

1) I started the year of 2010 with not a good feeling as i was struggling with my love life at the time.

2) Accept as many posts given at the workplace to divert my attention and forget the sadness.

3) Putus cinta!

4) First time renew roadtax kereta. It's not that hard actually!

5) My first product sat the SPM examination this year. Cuak seyh.

6) Im all single. My bestfriend (s) moved on to the next phase in life- either engaged, got married or have baby-ies.

• Ninie
• Syd
• Senah
• Faa
• Nada
• jie
• Syadhiah

7) Plan to sambung master tapi tak jadi.

8) Start comsuming HL again as i rarely naik bukit.

9) Met someone. To be exact 'ditemukan dengan seseorang'.

10) I am contented!

So, am i looking forward for 2011?

Yes, indeed i am. I have a very HUGE PLAN next year and i hope that the PLAN is going to be as what we have planned. Give me the prayers kawan-kawan.

Tq Allah for giving me a very hard year to start with but ends with a very good one indeed. Well. He knows what's the best for His servant. Ya Allah, tunjukkanlah jalan yang terang kepada kami dan berkatilah apa yang kami lakukan. Semuanya kerana-Mu Ya Allah.

Amin.

TQ for reading this entry. Assalamualaikum.