People are different.

Sukan sekolah secara rasminya berakhir hari ni. that means tomorrow is school holiday. i love holiday because it means that i don't need to draaaaaaag myself to work; a place that i really want to avoid right now. it doesn't make me feel good there. :(

reflecting about the sukan that was held for 3 days. i saw many kinds of people i mean teachers who what i want to talk here are very selfish. we were divided tasks and works to do and clearly everyone can see, it was the same teachers who do the work. i don't really mind actually because i used to be one of these teachers last year i think. but, at least i show my face and stay during sports day. and in case anyone need your help, you will be there. there were teachers who didn't even show up at the stadium. how cruel they are to those who worked their butt off to make this sports day happen.

everyone knows that this is really not fair. but that is life. if life is fair we don't call it 'life', we call it 'fair'.

enough about work matter.

i am getting better. with my feeling. started to think straight and accept the fact that i am going to be alone for another few months, dealing alone with my miserable feeling, striving to be happy, struggling to live, worrying what is going to happen next year and worrying on whether we are going to get the transfer or not. different people will deal different way. there are people who can survive and live happily even when they have huge problem and there are people like me. fragile.

today, i feel quite good. i have ice cream today! :D. i was planning to go out this evening. jalan-jalan makan angin. maybe not. i don't know yet. and since the last 3 days, today finally i ate rice for my lunch. half of the tapau; maybe tak sampai half pun. i stopped when i feel like throwing up again.

the sickness come again. my weight now doesn't reach 50 kg. the different now is i maybe am bringing 'something' in me which i believe is not yet. btw, i ran for sports day today for acara pegawai and like i did in 2009, i won it again as the last runner for 6. but i didn't fall on my face this time.

lucky me.

It's true.

indeed it's true when you always think about the pain in your life, the pain will control you. you will feel more pain and tend to forget the brighter things (nikmat) that you have.

i think so much sometimes. i always tried to control my thinking to not think of the pain, and only certain times i can forget it. due to that im not able to sleep at night. i shouldn't have thought i know. the sharp pain on the chest, you feel like something clenching your heart, it's very heavy. and i sometimes cried to sleep.

think positive. that's what i always said to myself. jgn bersangka buruk, jgn fikir yang bukan2. ada hikmah di sebalik semua yang berlaku. Allah masih sayang kan aku to bring back to His path because i've been to obsessed with the world matter.

i qoute this from jaime's blog:

"jika seseorang dapat memahami dan menghayati takdir Allah SWT untuknya, maka dia akan merasa sabar dan lapang dada dalam menjalani kesulitan hidup, juga tidak bersedih dan kecewa ketika ditimpa musibah. lebih dari itu dia akan merasakan besarnya kasih sayang Allah SWT kepadanya, juga bergembira dengan pahala besar yang akan diterimanya kelak."

that is exactly what i'm trying to be. sabar dan lapang dada. i maybe stronger today and i know i need a lot more motivations to stay up and awake.

tq so much for jaime. it's such a good and beautiful words you put there. and fyi, aku baca sume entry dalam blog mu since 2010.

and now im enjoying a big bowl of cornflakes and milk in the evening. reminding me of beautiful times whan i was in Nz few years back. ;)

Miserable.

right now, my mother-in-law is shopping heavenly at Pasar Filipin KK with my husband. they plan to makan ikan bakar at marina bay after this. i wish i am there with them. Umi came to Sabah yesterday for work matter and will be leaving tomorrow morning. my husband really wants me to be there with him, as what i wish for too, but its quite impossible. i hope they are enjoying their time there.

im now in my room, where i feel really calm. eating reheat fried rice, balance that i bought last 2 days. i am grateful that Allah makes me calm here. inside my own abode. Since i arrived here last sunday, i have mixed feelings. everything i do failed to make me feel ok. i didn't expect to be my old happy-go-lucky self. i'm just hoping to face the day as it goes. sometimes i'm ok, but most of the time i feel really miserable. i just need my husband with me. because he is the real friend that i have.

i have friends but in my situation right now he is the most important person in my life. being with him for merely 2 weeks make me feel complete. i didn't realize time passes when i'm with him.

i spent most of my time inside my room. i only go out to work and to buy necessary things such as food. before this i don't feel calm staying inside the house all day, but Alhamdulillah, He hears my prayer and now i feel really calm when i reach home. i don't watch tv much these days. my life at home is only in front of the screen, typing my feeling. connecting me with the outside world. and i do sometimes write down what i feel in notebook. it makes me feel better.

i don't like my workplace nowadays. it makes me bored and feel so lost. sitting at my table also didn't make me ok. for the record i've been moving place 3 times this year. the school is not for me anymore. i don't find my self there anymore. i'm out of place. except when i enter the class, i will feel ok. perhaps because that is my responsible and i am really honest to do that, so i can forget my miserable feeling for a while. and having only 17 periods per-week makes me to be more miserable sd than not.

my school is having sukan now and i can't wait for it to over. i wish i don't involve directly with the sukan but sadly not. Ya Allah, buat la hamba-Mu ini rasa masa berlalu dengan cepat.

The undying love.

Un-describe-able.

'i've been in love before. it's like a narcotic. at first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. the next day, you want more. you're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. you think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours.'

'but then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. if he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get fix. and just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to for love.'get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love.'

Pilar by Coelho in By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept.

pg. 62.

2nd day.

maybe i am not strong enough.

the feeling is totally different. the situation is basically the same. we have been experiencing this since early of this year, and it seems ok to me. we've used to be apart. but after the status changed it was totally different.

now i know how the people who always fill in the borang tukar feel like. it's really unbearable.

Totally not!!!

Our first test.

:(

The Recent.

i dont really know how to describe the married life. perhaps only married people can understand it. what i discovers after 2 weeks getting married is i gained 5 kg! i went home with 49 kg and now i reach 54 kg. my usual body weight.

i dont blame my husband (have a husband dah?? lol). we had a very busy week after we got hitched. banyak sangat jemputan makan di rumah sanak sedara. tu pun x abis2 lagi berjalan.

overall, my life have been better. he's always there for me. i mean me too. we've never been apart yet.

the real challenge will come this coming sunday.

and i know im still not ready to face it.

Current status.

Well i am married and subsequently a wife. ;)

Sakit.

i've been feeling like this since i dont know when. Feels like it's been years i've fallen sick.

i'm not ok with this sickness. and i don't know what will cure it and when. everyday i pray to not feel like this anymore. sangat menyakitkan. luar dan dalam.

:'(

...

Mostly these days i wrote when i feel so stress out. Mainly like everyday. i have no mood to work, no mood to finish my job at school and stuff.

I've encountered one incident with the superior last few days. i wrote a very good piece of writing in my book but im not that brave to post it here.

Should i post it?

I AM STRESSED!

Buckle up.

In life, there are times when we feel really weak fragile- powerless to do what we really want in life. Sometimes it is just in front of our eyes. But we still incapable of doing it, of owning it. I know it's impossible to get all the things that we dream of. It's hard i know for us to endure this life. Sometimes.

And there are times that we feel to re-do. I mean the life. Can i stop this life, born again and re-live this life.

Recently i read a book by Paolo Cuelho, Veronica decides to die. It's inspiring. It makes me think on whether have i live my life they way i want to. have i do all the impossible yet illegal things that few people do. Can I? Will i do that?

i always imagine to be the character in the book that i read. They always have ending either sad or not, there is an ending. It is overwhelming to know what kind of life is in front of me; is in the future.

No one knows right?

Buckle up and face it. That's the only way right?

I've never been 50 since 17.

Weehu!

I've reached my target of the past 6-7 years!!! I've achieved the every-year resolution as if finally. The last time my weight was with the number 4 in front was maybe when i was 16 years old. If i remembered correctly.

And in fact, my weight is currently doesn't reach 50kg. It is 49. ++ kg.

:D. Happy soul.


p/s: Im overflowing with words. Got my ink to write now. So, beware of everyday's update on this page. Ok.

...

A long hiatus.

Lagi banyak yang terbuku di hati dari rasa mahu tulis di sini.

Everthing is fine btw. Will update more later. I really miss writing.

Help.

Topic: Social network sites can increase the social problem among teenagers.

Government side.

The tournament will be held early April in Bufot.

It's been a very hectic week of all.

I've never expected that so many little things we can do in just a week and it's really tiring. The title says it all.

I wish i can go to bed early tonight.

Toodles peeps.

You wanna heard news?

It just that last night i discovered that i have 32 tudungs and 48 selendangs!! OmG. Just calculate how many $$$ have i spent for that? and shockingly i have few which actually the same and i did not realize it? Oh my... Semalam i had to rearrange them because the twin tower of tudung and selendang almost runtuh. Tudung express (the one with awning) is not yet included in the calculation. Bear that in mind. :p

Talking about my work attire which obviously baju kurung or kebaya dan yang sewaktu dengannya; my two doors cupboard is now bursting with them. Oh my... Calculate again how many $$$ i spent for the kain itself and the upah jahit.

Patut lah semakin banyak gaji semakin rasa tidak cukup. ha ha.

Being rational myself, for this year i've only bought and sewn 2 baju kurungs. For 2 months and half this was quite an achievement. Money is now put aside for one and only important matter. I didn't plan it to be this soon, however seeing that it's happening really soon i have to stop myself, my desire from buying and shopping-ing sesuka hati.

I never imagine that this matter is taking a very large sum of money??? Oh my.. tak perlulah berteka-teki lagi. The cat is out of the bag already. I am getting married this year. YEAY YEAY!!!

Calculating the savings and the money in hand now (plus parents' welfare haha no doubt) i think we will manage to make it a success. Our plan is not that grand by the way. This coming month is renewing-car-insurance-month. Talking about car could really 'eat up' your $$$; as you said tasha.

Btw i know deep down that everything is going to be fine.

Fine. Yes. Really fine.

Back to basic.

I've started this career on 2009.

And since then, I've never been good in marking and returning students' books after i collected it. On the first year i was in this career, i pernah returned students books in September for the work that they did in February! ha.. talking about bad teacher??

But this year it has been very very different. I can say that I am really 'rajin' this year in marking students' books.

Tak pernah-pernah buang tabiat begini. I mark their books and sangat rajin to mark the essays. Then will return their books in the next lesson. I will ensure that i finished marking their books before i enter the class for the next lesson. Memang sangat pelik. But i am really satisfied with my work these days. i mean this year. it's been quite an achievement i must say.

Talking about the work workload. This year i don't really have a multi-complicated-day-to-day task such as class teacher. I am not the class teacher already and i am not the discipline teacher jugak. I am even not the guru penasihat for any kelab or persatuan or unit beruniform. And I am teaching 17 periods a week.

Lucky me yes. The posts for me this year are:

1- SU Hal Ehwal Murid

2- SU Majlis Guru Kelas

3- Penolong Ketua Unit Kelab & Persatuan

4- Penolong Pengurus Rumah Sukan Kasturi

Quite relax this year because i am not a class teacher sudah. Alhamdulillah.

24 February.

How time flies. We are coming to the end of Feb. March is around the corner. I've been very very quite here by the way. I think it's time for me to start writing again.

The classes have been great. Earlier I only have 14 periods and after 3 times changes it's now 17. Jealous puh-lease...

Earlier this year, I had a few problems with one of my SKM class. In technical school, SKM is course for students who do not qualify to enter vocasional courses. Vocasional is for those who do not qualify to enter technical courses. It's three stages of courses and you can imagine how 'good' they are.

And at first, they do not have any motivation to learn. At all. They kept telling me " ala teacher, bukan kami tau sume ni teacher.. Bahasa Melayu pun kami gagal.. apa lagi ini teacher.. bahasa Bugis kami tau la.."

and once I started talking in 'our' language, they started whispering among themselves, " cakap bugis suda teacher kita..."

Its getting better now as I've tackled the 'heart' or 2 taikos in the class. Here we go.

Right. The 'sabun' incident actually urged to write again. Here. It happened last week when i entered the class right after the recess. One student come to me to get permission to go to the washroom. Its just right after recess, so at first i refused to let him. Then he said " nda tahan suda ni teacher.. tolong la.." Then, off he go.

Lama tau die pegi toilet. When he entered the class, one of his friends asked him "sabun ka?" Then the boy beside him ketawa kuat-kuat. They started teasing the boy who just came in from the toilet.. Asking him why he took a very long time and he said, "mati air ba tadi teacher. Kene tunggu dulu lama-lama baru ada air.."

Kuat-kuat geng lelaki in my class gelak. And now I started to understand.

He became tired and for 3 periods classes he dozed off for a while. I started teasing him " Ni kenapa penat sangat ni? Buat keje apa sampai penat sangat ni.."

The other boys were enjoying it and for 3 periods class, the other students semua segar and active in class.

Tak senonoh betul!!!

My 2011.

Ok. My first ever entry for 2011 on the 20th January.

Frankly speaking, i have a lot of things to say here. but considering that my entry will be influenced by my over-excited feeling , so i think it's better for me to just sit tight and chill the moment.

i also afraid if i talk too much about it, it's not going to happen. man propose Allah dispose right?
fingers cross all my darlings and the plan will go on as planned.

i am fain. very!

Happy new year 2011 everyone. <3